I was 38 before I felt ready to become a father and I was 41 by the time it actually happened.
There were various reasons why I had waited so long. Some were circumstantial; I simply hadn’t found myself in a stable, loving relationship until then – and some were selfish; I had been busy travelling the world and enjoying my freedom and I was reluctant to give that up too soon.
The funny thing is, at the time, I never considered 41 to be ‘old’ for becoming a first-time father. It all felt very natural and exciting and I never once stopped to think that perhaps others may have considered me quite old.
I was aware that many of my friends of a similar age were about 10 years further along the parenting journey, but I also had many other friends who were still just starting, or waiting to start families, well into their 40s.
It’s only now, as we are starting to think about baby number two and possibly three, that my age is becoming a factor in my thought process.
It’s not that I feel old right at this moment. To be honest, I have never felt better. The issue is when I do the math and calculate how old I’ll be when these future kids are just turning 18 and probably still living at home. That’s when I start to think that perhaps we should get a wriggle on.
I’ll let you do your own research on the potential challenges and medical risks of being a male in your 40s and trying to conceive.
We all know the pressure that women are subjected to as they get older, with both the media and their friends constantly reminding them of their ticking biological clocks. Not to mention some pretty derogatory labels that get slapped on women once they pass the age of 35, such as ‘geriatric pregnancy’ or ‘advanced maternal age’.
However, there’s also plenty of less publicised, but readily available research that can portray a similar doom and gloom story for men.
There’s no doubt that a man’s sperm quality deteriorates as he gets older, which can make it harder to conceive and increases the chance of potential issues once you do conceive. But at what age, and to what level, is still inconclusive (in my research) and it obviously varies from one person to the next.
Regardless of this, the fact is that more men than ever before are now becoming fathers well into their 40s and beyond. It’s a trend that’s unlikely to change anytime soon, and as with many things in life, there are both pros and cons.
What I can tell you from my own experience is that whilst there are some obvious disadvantages, there are also several advantages of being a bit older when you finally join the dad club.
Firstly, I am far wiser and more emotionally mature than I would have been if I had kids when I was younger. This has given me the ability to provide more support to my partner and be more emotionally aware of both her and the baby’s needs. I can’t say for sure how it would have felt ten years ago, but I know that I’m definitely making the most of any additional life skills that my extra years have afforded me.
Secondly, in our case, waiting a bit longer meant our relationship was in a much stronger position to start a family. My partner and I took longer than some to arrive in our happy-place as a couple and to find ourselves on the same page about most things. And again, I’ll never know for sure, but I don’t think we could have handled the pressures of a baby as well as we are now when we were still finding our own feet in the relationship.
From a practical standpoint, we are more financially secure. I’m not suggesting this is a reason to hold off, but it certainly removes one of the most common stress points that younger couples often face and presents an advantage if you do find yourself having kids at an older age.
And whilst many people have said that they immediately feel a lot older when they have kids, in my case the opposite is true. Having a baby has in many ways made me feel younger.
Suddenly I’m reconnecting with my childhood and engaging with other young parents and children in a way I was not previously. I’m also very motivated and determined to stay healthy, fit and flexible so that I can continue to play with my kids as they get older.
By my age, perhaps some of those younger dads who started earlier than me would now be approaching their existential midlife crisis. You know, that phase when men hit their 40s and wonder, what next?.
For me, however, my purpose for being and my objectives for the future have never been clearer. I’ve got no time for a midlife crisis, I’m now focussed on raising a kid for the next 20 years.
They say there is a ‘before and after’ phenomenon with having a child. That once you become a dad, you are never the same again. And that you never stop being a dad for the remainder of your life.
So for me, given I’m roughly halfway through my life, I’m quite content with how I spent the first half and I’m even more content to be dedicating the second half of my life to being a dad. Somehow it feels symmetrical.
I don’t know about you, but the older I get, the more I appreciate life in general and particularly the little things. This is true for a beautiful sunset, a kiss from a loved one and a glass of fine whisky. It may therefore also be true for being a dad. I definitely think I am appreciating every moment and cherishing every laugh even more because I’m old enough to know just how lucky we are.
Given the choice, in a perfect world, would I now choose to start having kids in my 40s rather than my 20s or 30s? Possibly not. There are clearly some disadvantages and age-related challenges in doing it this way.
But would I choose to have kids in my 40s over never having kids at all? Absolutely.
So my advice for other would-be, could-be or soon-to-be fathers is as follows…..
Regardless of your age, if you and your partner both feel ready (or almost ready) then don’t wait. Start now.
Firstly, you may never feel 100% ready, but having kids will make you ready. And secondly, you never know how long it may take.
If you happen to be in your 20s or 30s when you reach this moment in your life – then go for it. No point waiting for the perfect conditions. Near enough is good enough I reckon. You will work it out as you go and there are pros and cons at any age.
But, if like me, you find yourself in your 40s before you are in a position to have children, the same advice applies. Go for it!
Don’t stress about your age. Focus on the positives, throw yourself in and give it everything you’ve got. Take care of your health and use your secret weapon of ‘maturity’ to be the best dad you can.
When your kids are young, they won’t notice you are older than other dads, to them you are just Dad. And let’s face it, by the time your kids are teenagers they are going to think you are ancient regardless of your age.
The reality is that life is short and you never know when your time might be up. So quit worrying about your age and just try to live in the moment.
And trust me, nothing makes you live in the moment quite like having children in your life.
Very true. 40 is the new 30 🙂 We all know that. I became a father at 42 and am expecting number 2 in a few months. I’ll be 45 when baby two arrives. No regrets.
Congratulations on number two Phil and good luck with the arrival. That should keep you busy for a while. And make you feel young all over again 🙂 But if you start feeling old, just think of Mick Jagger who had a baby at age 73.
Thanks Phil I’ll be 46 when my first one arrives I’m so nervous and excited depending on the moment. If I can stay away from the math I’m usually good.
I’ll be 49 when my first arrives
congratulations Carson. You may be older, but you’ll also be wiser 🙂 https://www.inc.com/laura-montini/when-does-intelligence-really-peak-probably-later-than-you-think.html
Thanks for writing this. My wife just bopped me over the head last night. I notice how much fear is there for me at the sight of being a dad. I forget i am 39 and getting older. I certainly don’t feel this old. Your words resonated with me. Thanks for taking time to share your experience.
You’re welcome Joshua, I’m glad you enjoyed it. By the way – you ain’t old 🙂
Hi Scott,
I am a little late to the party as I am just now writing on this blog but I have recently found myself looking into fatherhood. I was expecting to get married in my mid-20’s but unfortunately that fell through and I found myself immersed in my career, partly because I was so hurt by the loss of a relationship. I had a few more throughout my late 20’s and into my 30’s but nothing felt right.
I shifted my focus completely into my work, obtaining two masters degrees and a principal certification. I am now 34 years old and about to start a doctoral program that will run into my early 40’s.
My parents have been hounding me recently (I am only child) about having children of my own and I just tell them that I am just not ready. I want children one day and would be willing to raise a child on my own especially if I have the help of my village but the most difficult part is that I am really happy with where my life is right now and selfishly I am not ready to have children just yet.
I, too add 20 years to every year that I consider having a child (adopt or surrogacy) and now that its pushing closer to 40-45, I am just not sure if I will get to that point and still have an excuse. The older I get, the more I want a child. But I am scared that I want one more because it’s almost expected of me, not because I actually want one.
As an educator, I pride myself on caring for all children, even the ones that are difficult. I don’t need you to tell me it will be okay but I just want you to know that I appreciate you opening up about your journey. I am not sure if I ever will become a father but there is a large piece of me that does want a child of my own one day.
Likewise Jack – thank you very much for sharing your story. Everyone’s journey is different. That’s what makes life interesting. Thanks for sharing. And good luck on your journey – wherever it takes you 🙂
Having come across this story after googling becoming a dad at 40. I turned 40 in June and my wife is expecting my first child next month. Best thing i have read that 40 is the new 30 as back when i was in my 30’s my finances wouldnt have let me get married, let alone have the deposit for a house and then be able to prepare for a baby without financial concern, so i am glad i waited
Congratulations Mike and good luck with the new baby. Yes, I agree, being more financially secure can be one of the advantages of waiting a little longer.
I became a first time dad at 38, a second time dad at 41 and a third time dad at 43..My own father had me at 49 and lived until almost 93. I was lucky he had a long life and I knew him well into adulthood. Like you, my journey into fatherhood came later but I am enjoying it. I will be 61 when my youngest graduates from high school but it is what it is and I am happy to have a connection to the youngest generation, now and when I’m (even) older.
Thanks for sharing Adam. And 61 is not considered old these days. Especially if you live to 93 like your dad did. That would mean you still have a third of your life left after your kid graduates. Sounds prettygood to me 🙂
I once worked for someone that had his 1st child at 65, he had his 3rd at 73 his wife was in her 30s. so i do not think the age matters for men as much as the female – if you want to have a natural birth child of your own that is. otherwise you can always adopt or marry a single mother with children. There are plenty of wonderful women with children out there and children that are parentless looking for a loving family. I found out my mother was adopted and never knew her parents – she was the most wonderful mother of all. so my point age is not as important as your ability to support a child both financially and in a loving none abusive home.
Scott,
Thankyou!
Without delving into details, your post has given a newly second time mum and dad in their early to mid 40s some peace when it comes to becoming a parent a little later in life.
There is so much negativity out there rather than optimism, support and hope for older parents and your post gives to older parents what many do not… encouragement to just live!!!
Thanks Shan and Sue,
I’m glad you enjoyed the post and found it useful. Good luck with your parenting journey. Enjoy every minute! Scott
Holy crap….. as I sit here in bed just a touch past midnight silently freaking out about being a dad at 45 I miraculously came across this post. It was like a weight had been lifted off me the further I read. Scott thanks. Nothing else, just thanks.
you are welcome Aaron, I hope you got to sleep eventually 🙂 Get your sleep while you can – you are going to need it!
I’m so glad I read your post and people’s positive comments.
I had my first at 38 and second is now coming at 42 after much ‘practicing’. Being ‘older’ I’m definitely more emotionally mature and understanding to my wife’s and child’s needs. The real positive factor is I could afford to quit my career and be stay at home dad for 3 years and I know that has had such a positive effect on my son. I definitely don’t feel ‘older’ when we both rock up to the local park dressed as our favourite superhero’s – something I know most younger dads are too self conscious to do!
Great read and all the best to all!